Baby, It's Cold Outside

It has been awhile, but life has a way of happening whether you want it to or not. We have had some volcanic activity that has taken all our focus and stamina. Thankfully we are in a period of calm and can take a deep breath once more.
I have wondered what sets off all of this drama and although there is no science to prove my theory I think that I am on to something. Here it goes: Perpetual winter! That is my theory, we are in what feels like one and man is it depressing. It has to have much bearing on our emotions, moods and chemical balances in our brains. When we are missing that warmth of the sun and the sweet smell of spring it messes with our heads. I know that it has mine. It has been recently sunny (not warm by any stretch, but at least it is bright out!) and I have wanted to wrap myself in tin foil and sit outside in hopes of getting some form of rays. Don't get me wrong it is beautiful when the sun bounces off the 10 foot high snow banks but I am just hungry for a glimpse of green and not the environmentalist that run around our town with global warning stickers on their bumpers!
Actually, I blame this all on them. They have all been running around hollering about Global warming with their poster child Al Gore telling us how it is getting so warm that the polar bears are balancing on icicles. I think that God has this incredible sense of humor and he has decided to show all of our Green friends what he thinks about Global warming. Thus here we sit buried in the white stuff, shoveling and scraping, wrapped up like mummies in our thermals and scarves while God is sitting up there laughing at our need to control even the environment and sending another winter storm warning our way.
I was watching the weather channel and when the local forecast came on predicting another week of snow showers, I felt like crying. Even worse my Son calls me from spring break in Dallas and tells me that he is enjoying the 80 degree's. Talk about depressing. It is no wonder we are all on edge and snippy, we are vitamin D deprived. I thought about pouring the pill version down our throats but somehow I don't think it would be very helpful. Unless those pills can produce heat and melt snow there has to be another way. The biggest problem was that we never really had a summer (it rained and rained then rained some more) and well the seasons kind of ran into each other without a whole lot of difference. It went from torrential rain fall to torrential snow fall either way; it was all wet and cold with not much sun or heat to show for it.
I started to think about this after months of crying out to Jesus. I need Him to bring the spring but not seeing any results for all my complaining—uh, I mean all my praying—I began to see a correlation. My life resembled the past seasons, rather bleak and depressing. 2008 was not my best year, it had highs (finalizing the adoption of Jacob and Tearzah, the birth of our beautiful Granddaughter Esther, just to name a few) but so much was overshadowed by the death of my beloved sister Kelly and the constant battle for my son Jacob's mind and spirit. I realized that, just like the weather, I was in a low, slow moving cold front. I had never really been able to overcome my sadness at losing my sister. She found Jesus in the last few weeks of her life and I rejoice in that knowledge but she was so young and I had believed on her healing for as long as she had fought the cancer that killed her (7 years of fighting and believing).
So when she went on to be with Jesus, I was not ready to let her go and although on the outside tried to stay upbeat and positive, inside I was still holding onto the pain. Coupled with this, we were dealing with the very real problems that Jacob was battling due to a peer group that he had gotten involved with that had done some serious damage to his mind and person.
It took incredible patience and perseverance to try to help him overcome the damage and try to find a way back to reality and it took a toll on our emotions and faith. Andrew handled it all pretty well and stood in the promises that God had spoken over our family and our lives but I must admit that my faith was pretty shaken and it was harder for me to pull out of the bad weather and find the Son. Thankfully God is faithful and loves us so much that he understands the storms in our lives and knows that sometimes winter takes a bit longer to get over. He started showing me that I needed to embrace the winter and accept it for what it is.
This doesn’t mean that I have to live there forever but recognize that we all have to go through them; I don't have to be overcome by the cold. It is at these times that we can find what we are made of, and most of all find our strength and comfort in the God who is there waiting with a nice warm fire and a hot cup of cocoa to give us the courage to go on and face the winters of our lives. The nice thing is that when we embrace winter we have the assurance that soon will come the spring when all things become new again. So I am looking at this perpetual winter a little differently this time, knowing that God has new life waiting just around the corner.

Mama said there'd be days like these

Have you ever lived or visited a place that had volcanoes that were not necessarily active but were simmering just below the surface? The uncertainty of living with or near one is unsettling to say the least because you never know when it is going to blow and who is going to be affected in the process. That’s what it is like living amongst children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD), bi-polar or borderline personality disorder issues.
You always know that the issues are there, bubbling under the surface, but you just don't know when or how they are going to come out most of the time and how it will effect you and your family. Living with four children with these issues can be unsettling. Our second oldest son is a volcano that is under constant pressure and for him it takes incredible will power to contain all the emotions that swirl inside his head. I can't even imagine how he must feel when it builds to a point of eruption but I know that the residual effect on the rest of us can be quite devastating. We just recently went through one of those moments and, though it wasn't as huge as previous eruptions, it did spew its molten lava and leave a few burns.
We try very hard to relieve the pressure before the eruption but often they come faster than we expect--or sometimes when we haven't even see them coming. That is the reality of our life. Kids with organic brain damage sometimes don't have that normal control of their reactions and they lack the ability to self regulate their emotions and feelings. They don't always have that release valve that helps relieve excessive pressure so, BOOM! It comes out in form of various bad behaviors.
Our youngest son melts down when there is too much stimulation or stress. Sometimes his brain just disengages and he becomes forgetful and blank. Other times, like his sister Jamie, he becomes hyper and overwhelmed by life. Our other daughter acts out with food hording and binging and stealing. Having all of these very different reactions can work against each other and often do. However, We are finding our rhythm and learning to work together.
It is during these times that I find what I’m really made of. Sometimes it’s not always good. But God has a way to use these times to perfect the imperfect and strengthen the tired. I know that without his strength and love to fall back on, I could not do this. I really am not an expert at any of this. It is through the trials and turmoil, the frustration and fury that God has created in me something that just can't give up no matter how much the flesh in me wants to throw in the towel.
Today I really wanted to quit, it felt incredibly overwhelming and impossible. I cried out to my husband and to God that I just couldn't do it anymore--take this from me. It was then that I was reminded of Jesus in the garden, overwhelmed by what was to come. He was feeling the burden of the world on his shoulders. He cried out to God and said, “Take my cup from me.” But instead of walking away, he said, “Not my will but thy will be done.” He went on to become the living sacrifice for all our sins, our savior, and King.
Now I am about as far from Jesus as one could be. Just as Paul said, “I am the greatest sinner.” I realized that Jesus was facing something far greater than I could ever imagine.
He didn't quit he just asked God to give him the grace and strength to go forward. Needless to say I was very humbled and quickly asked God to forgive my weakness and give me the strength to go forward.
He did and I did! I know that there are going to be more eruptions; its to be expected when you live around active volcanoes. But thankfully, I have a solid rock to fall back on when things get tough and life feels overwhelming. I love my little volcanoes more than I could ever imagine. I have the utmost faith that one day they will be towering, bold mountains of solid rock that will go forward and change the world. So I can live with a few burns and I am sure glad I have an example in Christ to keep me moving forward.