What's a Bear to do?

Today I was pulling up into my driveway when I noticed two trucks with strange contraptions on trailers behind them. I was trying to figure out what they were when it suddenly occurred to me (duh clue in on the hats that said Dept of Fish and Game) that they were bear traps. It seemed strange but than I remembered an incident that happened two nights ago.
At about 11:30 the other night as we were heading off to lullaby land, we heard a commotion in the neighbor’s yard. I tried my best to ignore it but Andrew had to figure out what it was. He was sure it was someone tampering with his greenhouse but in actuality it was the elderly lady banging pots, attempting too scare a bear out of her “bear proof” garbage cans.
So today it became apparently she was getting tired of picking up trash that was emptied from the “bear proof” cans by the obviously industrious bear and she called fish and game to have him dealt with. The thought of this occurring made me rather sad. You see, I kind of liked the bear, and admired his persistence. He has visited our garbage bin on several occasions and Andrew has had to fix and reinforce it all summer. Frustrating but expected when you live in Alaska on the edge of National forest. It is hard to get mad, he is just a bear that is much like Yogi who couldn’t resist a picnic basket even when he knew it would just get him in trouble. I, myself, have had several conversations with Mr. Bear. They go somewhat like this “bad bear, go home” “get out of the garbage bad bear”. I felt that we had a real relationship forming, and I knew that I would miss his big black head giving me the nod as he passes through our yard.
Later the Fish and Game Policeman (I am not sure what his official title but this works!) came over and informed me about the traps and what to expect. He was asking about the bear activity and we talked about my friend Bad Bear (Bad Bear is the name that he now associates with our conversations). As it turns out, Bad bear has been a really bad bear, just not at my house. He has been terrorizing the neighborhood and scaring little kids at the park so he is now known as a nuisance bear and must be relocated. Bad Bear probably doesn’t think he is doing anything particularly wrong. But the problem is that he veered off the path that he was meant to follow. Bears are supposed to forage for berries, fish and other small animals for food and nourishment. They are suppose to hang out in the woods and do things that bears do but sadly Bad Bear on his way to the berry bushes caught wind of a tantalizing odor that pulled him off his bear track and onto a dangerous path of forbidden fruits. Consequences of his actions, trapping, tagging, relocating and if all else fails death and destruction. All because he decided to stop following what he knew as what he was suppose to do and decided to follow his desires.
All this got me thinking about life and about a situation that is occurring in my family right now. We are dealing with something similar with our Son Ben (who is under guardianship, not adoption.). For the past four years, Ben has been loved, poured into and set on a path of success. His grades had improved to A’s and B’s. He was working part time in a job where his boss really cared about him and mentored him, and he was busy doing Sea Scouts contemplating joining the Coast Guard after graduation from High School. Than suddenly as he was walking on this path, appearing happy and looking forward to the future, for whatever reason he was tempted by the fruits of the world. Before we even knew what was happening he veered off of his path and decided to run away and get involved in many things that are going to hurt him. The path he is on now can only lead to problems, hurts and if he continues death and destruction. Our hearts are breaking, as we have tried everything to get him back on the right path but to no avail. Now we are faced with the heartbreaking decision whether to dissolve the guardianship so that Office of Children services can step in and try to help him or continue to hold out and hope that he will come to his senses. It hard but just like Bad bear, Ben gave into temptation.
How many times do we all fall into this trap? I would love to say that I am innocent of such things but sadly, I know that I have done the same thing and if it wasn’t for grace I would be in the same boat as Ben and other kids like him. Someone said that this current generation was consider the “Worthless Generation” but maybe it is because they haven’t been told they are on the wrong path. Maybe they haven’t experienced the grace that sets us back on track. Or maybe they are like Ben and while they have known the right path but because of the temptations that are so easily accessible they are pulled from the path and taken down roads of destruction. I don’t have all the answers, but I do have one. I walk by faith and live in Grace daily, reminded of how easily it would be to veer off but knowing that what God has for me is so much better than any garbage bin i.e. temptation could ever provide. I am hoping that eventually Ben will realize that also.

Oh where or where art thou?

I recently logged onto my blog and saw that it had been horribly neglected for almost a month. This was not what I had envisioned when I started this. I honestly thought I would be on here at least 1 x a week writing and sharing my thoughts and bits and pieces of our life as a mosaic of different people brought together as one family. Little did I know, that when I embarked on this little adventure that life would begin spinning out of control!

Since the conception of this blog we have battled issues with our children that has run the gamut of petty theft to mental breakdowns. We have had our 16 year old boys (not twins) each take turns at running when they didn't like being confronted on their behaviors or lies. We are currently in the midst of this situation with our son Ben who having been caught in a myriad of lies and sneaking up after midnight when all were in be to watch porn on the Internet. Instead of facing his misdeeds and taking responsibility he instead ran out the door and has been gone for over 24 hours now. He had earlier last week stolen money from the till of his place of work and been caught playing with fire. We don't know what has been causing him to take this path but have been praying without ceasing that God will reverse this and bring him home for healing and making our family whole again. It is like a piece of the mosaic has fallen off and the picture just doesn't look the same without it. Our hearts our breaking but we are still believing for a happy ending.

It has been a battle for us but we have the promise of restoration and deliverance and believe that for our family. On the good note, the other 16 year old Jake has stabilized and is doing very well. It is really a day at a time process but one that we know will reap wonderful results if we stay steadfast and resolved. Each of our precious little pieces are so worth everything we go through, so we keep fighting and believing.

I realize that no matter what the outcome our beautiful art that we call our family, will continue to be as beautiful as before. Like most great mosaics we are a work in progress, God continues to change and mold each piece to shine like never before and for every piece that gets lost all effort is made to find it and place it back where it belongs. For those pieces that are lost to us, (at least in this world!) God finds a way to put different and new pieces that might change the landscape just a little but makes it even more beautiful!

I will try to be more faithful to this little blog, not because I have to but because I really believe that one day someone will run across these words and hopefully they will help, encourage or just make someone smile who is going through similar issues. Be blessed and see you soon!

Celebrating Freedom this Fourth of July!

It seems a good time to revisit my blog. I know I have been away for a few weeks but I hope that over the next few months that I will be better at writing. It’s really funny because I love to write. I enjoy reading (I inhale everything I pick up) and I have always loved to write funny little stories about my life, my family and anything else that might come to mind. But lately, it has been hard. I find myself unable to find humor but instead reflecting on some of the difficulties that I and my family face as a blended family with special needs. Not that there is anything wrong with that but it has been the more melancholy part of me and not the goofy fun loving part that somehow has been beaten up lately.
Which brings me to my today to my blog; the celebration of freedom. I figured that it would be appropriate to celebrate freedom on the 4th of July, I mean duh what else is the 4th about? I write today because I have the freedom to do so, afforded to me by the blood of my ancestors who fought and died for this right. It is in the constitution, freedom of speech as well as many other unalienable rights. This great piece of paper gives me the right to bear arms, practice my religion without fear of persecution, gives me the right to own property and choose who will represent me in what is suppose to be a very limited government. The writers of the constitution knew what they were doing when they wrote this paper. They had come from a country that had dictated almost every aspect of their lives, including their rights as an individual to choose the way they liked to live their lives. They had seen that Government that had too much power became tyrannical and power corrupts. So they said, lets not make the same mistakes, lets give the people the right to decide what and how they want to live and keep Government doing the most important thing protecting its people.
One big area where people have twisted and misrepresented the constitution is the separation of Church and State. It was never meant to eliminate God from the equation, it was to limit Government in the equation so that it could never tell the people what or where they could worship and not let Government control the Church as it did in England. These men built the foundation of our Nation on the principles of God and our country has thrived as long as we did not forget who we owed our thanks for our great Country.
So today I celebrate my freedom to write melancholy or spirited, happy or sad, about my family or my Savior who set me free and has showed such favor to our Country over the years. I thank God that I have had the blessing to grow up in a Country where I do have those rights and freedoms, there are so many places where that is not the case. I am sad to see that a radical agenda has swept into power on our tv news and other places that does not seem to believe in those same rights for everyone, only for those that adhere to their own agenda and beliefs. This Fourth of July I look around and wonder if my children and grandchildren will be able to do this same thing, or if they will be like other Nations that are suppressed, imprisoned or killed for their beliefs or opinions. I would like to think that couldn’t happen here, but I have to wonder if that is what they said in Germany as their rights and choices were taken from them by a great speaker who had the ability to fool a nation of people until it was too late.
Our forefathers and founders knew that Government couldn’t save them and wanted nothing more than to have the ability to stand or fall on their own two feet. I want that for myself and for my children and their children. I want them to know that life is more precious when you work hard and cherish that which you have, not what is given to you. I want them to have the same hard work ethic that my Dad handed down to me, that taught me that whatever the job do it to the best of ability so that you can look in the mirror at the end of the day and know that you did everything right. I want them to be honest, not cheaters or liars or unscrupulous as many in our Nation sadly are portrayed. I want them to be able to know that it is ok to have your own opinion and be able to speak or write about it without fear of being subjugated. Thank God for these brave men who stood for what they believed and built a foundation that has kept us free and safe for all these years. Lets stand and protect these rights and not give them away because we are promised that Government will take care of us. Government can’t take care of us, only we can do that. So lets celebrate this day and fight for those rights and freedoms that made our country great. Happy Fourth of July!

It has been awhile since I last posted. So much has been happening my head spins trying to keep up! Andrew and I traveled to Oklahoma to watch our oldest Son Jesse graduate with high honors from College. Not only was it a proud moment in time it was also a very impactful time for us.
From the time our Son was three years old he has said he wanted to be a preacher. While most kids change their vocational desires at least 50 times during their formative years, Jesse never wavered. Much like his older sister, he was very single minded in his goals and has spent his whole life focused on this goal and preparing himself for this moment in time when he received his degree and steps into the beginning of living his dream. To see him receive his degree and hear the words that were being spoken about our Son of many hats (reference to his many changes and transformation, hair, hats etc) was an incredible experience. Just a mere 4 years ago we sat in the exact same place, experiencing the same thing as we watched our oldest daughter Meghan take that amazing walk and accept her degree, graduating with high honors and stepping into those things that God had been preparing her for. It took our breath away, to think that another of our children had moved out of transformers and football and into adulthood. It was also humbling to hear these words of honor spoken over him and realize that we had so little to do with his success but all glory went to our God who had carried him and protected him all these years. We were just the guiding hands and loving hearts that poured all that God gave us into him, training him up in the way that he should go.
That in itself is such a huge thing, being responsible for the training up of your children, making sure that all their needs are met, physical, emotionally and most importantly spiritually. It is such an enormous responsibility and can be overwhelming at times. The wonderful thing about parenting, and also maybe the hardest is being able to witness this moment. The moment that all of your struggles, sacrifices, sleepless nights and sore knees all seems worth it. What is hard, is letting them go and be the adults that they were meant to be, usually it is apart from you. That is tough, letting go but it is part of the joys of parenting. I still have to do this 6 more times and although “they” say it gets easier with each one, I haven’t experience that as of yet. I am just so grateful to see my children step into those things that they have believed and worked so hard for. It is a pretty great feeling.God has been working something inside Andrew and myself as well. We didn’t go on this trip expecting. We left with the thought to go to graduation, meet our son’s wonderful girlfriend Suzie and get to know her, and get a little respite from what has been a very grueling long two years. While all of that happened and we had a wonderful time God was doing something in us too. We had both been feeling almost defeated, like our life was coming to some sort of end. Not in a death kind of way, just in a "where do we go from here" kind of way. We both, without realizing it, had been looking at things changing and ending. We were wondering what was next. Was this the way it was going to play out for the rest of our lives? Admittedly, my husband is usually content with the status quo. I, on the other hand, having always been one that needs change and movement, was pretty much dissatisfied and discontent with the status quo.

The good news is that God isn’t so content with status quo either, and he has been speaking new life into our dreams and desires, many of which we thought were long ago buried and dead. Our pastor even had a sermon speaking about God breathing life into old, dead, smelly dreams, talk about confirmation! Can’t really share much, mainly because we are still trying to figure it all out ourselves but the exciting thing is that we aren’t at the end, we are at a new beginning. Some things will be ending but those

are doors that need to close in order for us to walk through the new ones that God intends to open for us. So we are waiting, anticipating and moving in what we know God is speaking. We still have many adventures ahead of us, with 5 high need kids, the fun never ends. But I am so happy that God give us the grace to get through those crazy times and loves us so much that there is always a new trail to blaze for him

Whoo it has been awhile for me. My life has been incredibly busy and complicated the past few months. It is funny how no matter what things you are going through life doesn’t stop. I recently passed the 1 year anniversary of my beautiful and loving sister’s death and was finally able to recognize how much I had just been barely maneuvering through life the past year. This coupled with the very emotional struggle of dealing with our son with serious emotional and mental issues had taken a real toll on me and had hit my faith and trust pretty hard.
Not that I didn’t still lean strongly on my faith but I found that I didn’t trust my hearing or his hearing my cries for help. I had stopped leaning on God and began to lean on my own understanding. Now I don’t know about anyone else but I know that my understanding is pretty limited. So leaning on this was not the smartest thing to do but when you are struggling with grief, pain and frustration is pretty hard to see hope slip sliding out of your grasp. I compare this to the foxhole mentality. When you’re in that foxhole and the bullets are flying around your head and grenades are going off all around you, it’s pretty hard to know that your side is winning. It’s when you can get out of that hole and see the enemy retreating that you begin to realize, hey it’s not as bad as I thought. The big issue is getting out of the foxhole. I couldn’t get out of mine, every time I tried to climb out and see over the top, another issue or meltdown occurred and kept me from seeing the progress that was being made and I began to believe that God was just not hearing my cries for help.
It was only recently during a conversation with my Daughter Meghan did I suddenly begin the climb out of the foxhole. Suddenly things became pretty obvious, God had never left me, he had always been in that foxhole with me but I had just been to blind in my grief and fears to see it. I could also see how God had been moving and working in my life and that of my family even though from my perspective everything was going wrong and not much was changing for the better. My understanding was flawed and full of insecurities. During our conversation I became adamant about needing to have things all figured out before making big decisions like changing jobs or moving to other parts of the world. Meghan looked at me and said, “But Mom if it is God than he will provide for all of our needs won’t he?” Ouch, did that really hit home somehow I went from the Girl who was driven by faith and believing for God’s divine grace to provide to this fearful controlling Girl that needed to make sure that everything was just so before I would make any moves of any kind. Somewhere in the past year, I had stopped walking by faith and went back to relying on my own strength and abilities.
The good news is the old (but new) girl is back, the one that is walking by faith and not by sight! I don’t recommend leaning on your understanding, because usually we don’t understand a whole lot and that can get us into a lot of trouble. I think I would rather just let God take the lead and see where it takes me. I have a feeling that things are going to get a lot more interesting around here! So thanks for patiently waiting for me to feel inspired to write again (for those who are reading this) I am heading out in a week to watch our oldest Son graduate from college but I plan to try to update and share as much as I can while traveling.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

It has been awhile, but life has a way of happening whether you want it to or not. We have had some volcanic activity that has taken all our focus and stamina. Thankfully we are in a period of calm and can take a deep breath once more.
I have wondered what sets off all of this drama and although there is no science to prove my theory I think that I am on to something. Here it goes: Perpetual winter! That is my theory, we are in what feels like one and man is it depressing. It has to have much bearing on our emotions, moods and chemical balances in our brains. When we are missing that warmth of the sun and the sweet smell of spring it messes with our heads. I know that it has mine. It has been recently sunny (not warm by any stretch, but at least it is bright out!) and I have wanted to wrap myself in tin foil and sit outside in hopes of getting some form of rays. Don't get me wrong it is beautiful when the sun bounces off the 10 foot high snow banks but I am just hungry for a glimpse of green and not the environmentalist that run around our town with global warning stickers on their bumpers!
Actually, I blame this all on them. They have all been running around hollering about Global warming with their poster child Al Gore telling us how it is getting so warm that the polar bears are balancing on icicles. I think that God has this incredible sense of humor and he has decided to show all of our Green friends what he thinks about Global warming. Thus here we sit buried in the white stuff, shoveling and scraping, wrapped up like mummies in our thermals and scarves while God is sitting up there laughing at our need to control even the environment and sending another winter storm warning our way.
I was watching the weather channel and when the local forecast came on predicting another week of snow showers, I felt like crying. Even worse my Son calls me from spring break in Dallas and tells me that he is enjoying the 80 degree's. Talk about depressing. It is no wonder we are all on edge and snippy, we are vitamin D deprived. I thought about pouring the pill version down our throats but somehow I don't think it would be very helpful. Unless those pills can produce heat and melt snow there has to be another way. The biggest problem was that we never really had a summer (it rained and rained then rained some more) and well the seasons kind of ran into each other without a whole lot of difference. It went from torrential rain fall to torrential snow fall either way; it was all wet and cold with not much sun or heat to show for it.
I started to think about this after months of crying out to Jesus. I need Him to bring the spring but not seeing any results for all my complaining—uh, I mean all my praying—I began to see a correlation. My life resembled the past seasons, rather bleak and depressing. 2008 was not my best year, it had highs (finalizing the adoption of Jacob and Tearzah, the birth of our beautiful Granddaughter Esther, just to name a few) but so much was overshadowed by the death of my beloved sister Kelly and the constant battle for my son Jacob's mind and spirit. I realized that, just like the weather, I was in a low, slow moving cold front. I had never really been able to overcome my sadness at losing my sister. She found Jesus in the last few weeks of her life and I rejoice in that knowledge but she was so young and I had believed on her healing for as long as she had fought the cancer that killed her (7 years of fighting and believing).
So when she went on to be with Jesus, I was not ready to let her go and although on the outside tried to stay upbeat and positive, inside I was still holding onto the pain. Coupled with this, we were dealing with the very real problems that Jacob was battling due to a peer group that he had gotten involved with that had done some serious damage to his mind and person.
It took incredible patience and perseverance to try to help him overcome the damage and try to find a way back to reality and it took a toll on our emotions and faith. Andrew handled it all pretty well and stood in the promises that God had spoken over our family and our lives but I must admit that my faith was pretty shaken and it was harder for me to pull out of the bad weather and find the Son. Thankfully God is faithful and loves us so much that he understands the storms in our lives and knows that sometimes winter takes a bit longer to get over. He started showing me that I needed to embrace the winter and accept it for what it is.
This doesn’t mean that I have to live there forever but recognize that we all have to go through them; I don't have to be overcome by the cold. It is at these times that we can find what we are made of, and most of all find our strength and comfort in the God who is there waiting with a nice warm fire and a hot cup of cocoa to give us the courage to go on and face the winters of our lives. The nice thing is that when we embrace winter we have the assurance that soon will come the spring when all things become new again. So I am looking at this perpetual winter a little differently this time, knowing that God has new life waiting just around the corner.

Mama said there'd be days like these

Have you ever lived or visited a place that had volcanoes that were not necessarily active but were simmering just below the surface? The uncertainty of living with or near one is unsettling to say the least because you never know when it is going to blow and who is going to be affected in the process. That’s what it is like living amongst children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD), bi-polar or borderline personality disorder issues.
You always know that the issues are there, bubbling under the surface, but you just don't know when or how they are going to come out most of the time and how it will effect you and your family. Living with four children with these issues can be unsettling. Our second oldest son is a volcano that is under constant pressure and for him it takes incredible will power to contain all the emotions that swirl inside his head. I can't even imagine how he must feel when it builds to a point of eruption but I know that the residual effect on the rest of us can be quite devastating. We just recently went through one of those moments and, though it wasn't as huge as previous eruptions, it did spew its molten lava and leave a few burns.
We try very hard to relieve the pressure before the eruption but often they come faster than we expect--or sometimes when we haven't even see them coming. That is the reality of our life. Kids with organic brain damage sometimes don't have that normal control of their reactions and they lack the ability to self regulate their emotions and feelings. They don't always have that release valve that helps relieve excessive pressure so, BOOM! It comes out in form of various bad behaviors.
Our youngest son melts down when there is too much stimulation or stress. Sometimes his brain just disengages and he becomes forgetful and blank. Other times, like his sister Jamie, he becomes hyper and overwhelmed by life. Our other daughter acts out with food hording and binging and stealing. Having all of these very different reactions can work against each other and often do. However, We are finding our rhythm and learning to work together.
It is during these times that I find what I’m really made of. Sometimes it’s not always good. But God has a way to use these times to perfect the imperfect and strengthen the tired. I know that without his strength and love to fall back on, I could not do this. I really am not an expert at any of this. It is through the trials and turmoil, the frustration and fury that God has created in me something that just can't give up no matter how much the flesh in me wants to throw in the towel.
Today I really wanted to quit, it felt incredibly overwhelming and impossible. I cried out to my husband and to God that I just couldn't do it anymore--take this from me. It was then that I was reminded of Jesus in the garden, overwhelmed by what was to come. He was feeling the burden of the world on his shoulders. He cried out to God and said, “Take my cup from me.” But instead of walking away, he said, “Not my will but thy will be done.” He went on to become the living sacrifice for all our sins, our savior, and King.
Now I am about as far from Jesus as one could be. Just as Paul said, “I am the greatest sinner.” I realized that Jesus was facing something far greater than I could ever imagine.
He didn't quit he just asked God to give him the grace and strength to go forward. Needless to say I was very humbled and quickly asked God to forgive my weakness and give me the strength to go forward.
He did and I did! I know that there are going to be more eruptions; its to be expected when you live around active volcanoes. But thankfully, I have a solid rock to fall back on when things get tough and life feels overwhelming. I love my little volcanoes more than I could ever imagine. I have the utmost faith that one day they will be towering, bold mountains of solid rock that will go forward and change the world. So I can live with a few burns and I am sure glad I have an example in Christ to keep me moving forward.

It's a dog's life

Ok this won't be a long post! I know if my son is reading this he will laugh uncontrollably because he doesn't think I can ever write anything short!
My family is pet crazy, and one step across the threshold of my house clues you into that! If you can make it in the door without being barked to death than you have to avoid the two cats that will lick you to death if you sit in "their" seat. The ferrets are usually not a problem since they live in a big cage in our daughter Kaleigh's room but when they are running around socializing you have to hide your shoes or socks since they appreciate fine (or not so fine) foot ware and will steal it right from your feet. Oh did I mention the hamster that rolls around in his little blue ball and likes to run right in front of you when you are walking? I don't think I have forgotten anyone but than again, it tends to be hard to keep up with all the critters that inhabit my home.
I have always had a fondness for pets, so normally they don't irritate me too much but today I am stalking with hopes of causing at least a little misery, my brat dog Casanova. Nova is a big yellow lab, that was suppose to be a medium sized dog but turned into 75 lbs of unruly fur and slobber. Most of the time he is pretty good. Although as a puppy he reminded me very much of Marley. He does have some bad habits, such as getting into the trash when we aren't looking and eating things that he is not suppose to have. The big lug has stomach issues, which after about $700 later and lots of clean up in more ways than one we finally discovered. He is on a special (i.e. expensive) diet that consists of this boring, no flavor dog food that costs us $50 every three weeks. He is not allowed table scraps or anything that is not flavorless. Now, we all know this but obviously Nova did not read the Doctor's orders and as any typical teenager tuned out the sage advise of his Vet. He does not like his boring food and prefers that delectable goodies that are produced in our kitchen. One day we left him to guard hearth and home while we went to the store. When we came home Nova greeted us at the door proud of his abilities to stop evil that tries to harm us. Expecting to find remains of the thief that dared to break into our home, we were surprised to find only the remains of the Chocolate birthday cake that Nova bravely wrestled to the ground. We waited for imminent death that is suppose to happen when dogs eat copious amounts of chocolate but fortunately, or unfortunately for him he survived and than was literally sent to the dog house to contemplate his crime. We have since (ok it happened several times again) learned to place things on counters at a higher level or place them far back out of his reach.
Which brings me to the rest of the story, Yesterday was fat Tuesday and in honor of the day and because we were waxing nostalgic about fat Tuesdays of yore the kids and I decided to make pazcki's. For those who don't know what a pazcki is, it is a deep fried bundle of joy filled with custards and curds that taste like something sent down from heaven. It is a polish treat that is only made in the few weeks before ash Wednesday. I am not catholic so I don't understand everything but I do know that Hamtramic MI produced some of the best Pazcki's I have ever eaten. Ok, they were the only ones I have ever eaten but they were really good. So we spent all day yesterday creating the delicious dough and letting it rise 4 times! It was truly an all day ordeal, we had to hand fill each little rolled out ball of dough and than fry them until they were a golden brown. By this time it was almost 9 pm so everyone was able to enjoy 1 Pazcki each and the rest (22 of them) were placed lovingly on a platter and set up on a box high on the counter out of reach of any predators.
All of us went to bed with visions of pazcki's dancing through our heads. We had tasted heaven and couldn't wait to enjoy breakfast and another taste of a truly luscious treat. Andrew had taken off the morning to take the kids on a field trip, but had left briefly to take Kaleigh to work at 7 am. When I came downstairs at 8 am I was shocked to see the tray of my beloved Pazcki's void of all but one. I frantically called upstairs, and asked my husband if he had felt the need to binge on Pazcki's but he said no he had one as he left and Kaleigh had not had any. I turned and saw this very large yellow fur ball slinking away, trying to run up the stairs followed by a smaller version of brown, leggy lab Java. Apparently, feeling deprived Nova decided to find a way to climb up on the counter, somehow conquer the mountain and obtain the prize 20 Pazcki's. His guilt and inability to control his now sick bowels gave him away.
He is now banished outside to his kennel where is stomach is roiling and he tail is freezing but hopefully he will have learned his lesson, no bad deed goes unrewarded. It made me laugh, after I got done being mad at him and realized this was a lesson for us all to learn and one I am sharing with my children who are still trying to figure it all out. There are things in life that look really good, sound good and fill us with a burning desire to have, even when we know that it might not be so good for us. Life is full of temptations and desires but the reality is no matter how great they look they aren't always that good for us. Thankfully God provides us with outs when temptation rears its ugly head but when our flesh takes over the consequences can be hard and sometimes difficult to reverse. Nova is learning that right now, he and all of us will be spending the next few days living with the consequences of his actions and I am pretty sure none of us will be having a whole lot of fun. But life is about lessons, and learning so hopefully we have gained a little more knowledge and Nova has learned his lesson!

Life in the fast lane, waiting for the interchange!

It is hard to believe how quickly time passes when your life is going full throttle. All of last week was spent working on the food for our annual Oscars Party fundraiser for Relay for Life, as well as all of the other things that are part of my normal week. Ok, I did leave out that on top of my anniversary, valentines day and my husbands birthday, I also turned another year older! Yeah!?
With everything that we have been undertaking, I found little time to sit at the computer and write anything but I did have time to reflect and discover a few things about myself, my family and what motivates me. One thing that I did discover that doing things for a cause really motivates me when most things like housecleaning, dishes, laundry, the list could go on, I find very difficult to really motivate me to movement. But if there is something that takes me out of the normal everyday living mode I am all over it!
Which would explain why I can't seem to say no when asked to get involved with things! I am a doer, and a fixer. (How many find that a surprise if you read anything I have written :) So of course I am all for doing things that might fix, help or give comfort to others. My faith of course has given me so much, comfort, guidance, unconditional love, and direction that I love to share my love of God with others. That is one reason why I am so active in my church, because I want to do what I feel God is leading me to do and to share his love with those so that they might experience all the wonders that I have found in Christ also. The Youth in our church is a great place to do that, they have so many distractions, counter influences and issues that cause such confusion in their lives. If they are vulnerable, having been hurt, abandoned or abused they are ripe for all kinds of things that will potentially harm them, or destroy their future. I would like to think that we are that little beacon of light that will hopefully steer them away from the rocks and stay on course to a victorious life. Our desire is to see these teens see what God has for them, the blessings and their future full of life and bringing that life to others! So this is one of my biggest motivators right now until my Son graduates and steps into the role of Youth Pastor and we move onto something different.
That was the unsettling thing for me this week to think about. For most of my adult life, my kids, my husband and the youth of the church has been my main motivator. I have lived my whole life for the children who have come through it. Suddenly, I am seeing an end (in a sense) to this part of my life and it is a bit scary. It has always been a no brainier for me, kids + Andrew and Shelly = ministry and life. I will still have the children in my home but I know that Andrew and I are being led into a different direction now but I am not sure exactly what it is going to be. What is going to be that motivator that gets me up and moving, looking forward to and the passion that I seem to really need in my life? I don't quite know but I do know that I am surely not done living and that anytime we begin to move into a new season of our lives, it is always a little unsettling and frightening. I guess that is why they call it faith! Because faith is believing in something that you can't see or feel necessarily but believing that it is truth and taking that big step without looking back and keeping our eyes on God. He has always been faithful to see me through all of life's changes and bring blessings to all situations.
It will be a few more months before all of the changes begin, and I am believing that God is going to revel to me those things that he has for me to do. But, in the meantime I will keep moving forward, working with the young people of our community and doing all the things that I do in my day to help my own children be successful and productive members of society. I am also going to start trying to carve a little more time to do the little things that bring me such pleasure, read a good book, write in my blog and keep putting together the little pieces that will someday make a beautiful piece of art!

Whoa, Has this been a busy weekend. Yesterday Feb 14th Andrew and I celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary and his birthday! He blessed me with a wonderful night away from home Friday at this place called Grandma's Feather Bed. It was a very needed break from life and we relaxed and enjoyed each others company. It also gave us the opportunity to talk uninterrupted about anything and everything.
That might sound kind of silly to some but for us it is a rare moment where we aren't interrupted by a kid, the phone or an animal and at night pure exhaustion. Words about anything other than kids, bills and whats for dinner are sometimes hard to find. Even when we get a few minutes out for dinner or drive, conversation usually revolves around the latest therapy or issue that has occurred. That night we talked about adult things, politics, life and dreams.
The dreams part was the most interesting for me, it seemed like it had been so long since we had time to dream. For the most part we feel we are living our dream and enjoying it. But for the past few months God has been speaking something different, a new season but life is so busy and full that taking the time to examine that and talk about it never seemed to be possible. What was cool was that we were able to take that 24 hour period and share what we were feeling and try to understand what exactly that might mean. Did we ever figure it out? Nope but we came a few steps closer and realized that we needed to take more time for just us to really hear God and get revelation about this season.
It is so easy to let life and all its problems steal our time and our dreams. For us we realized that before we knew it 27 years had passed. Time truly does fly. So if anyone runs across this blog and reads these words I hope that they take away one thing. Make time, carve it out and never get to busy to listen to God and be ready for that new season he might be waiting to bring you in to. I am excited to see where he is taking us, I know that it will be different and as always an adventure! But I need to slow down and take time so that I don't miss anything. As a couple Andrew and I need to take time out of life and share our dreams and thoughts and make sure we are both hearing God and moving together. We needed the refreshing and I bet if you are reading this you do too!
So we are another year older and another year together and it just keeps getting better!

A light moment in a crazy day

Aren't little kids a joy? Our 5 youngest children are all between the ages of 11 and 16, and while they can be fun and hold interesting conversations they do challenge the patience and frustration levels on a daily basis. So it is nice to have a little break and be able to enjoy the innocence and pure joy of toddlers and babies sometimes.
It has been an adjustment, getting used to watching little ones again, Fia is 2, Reagan is 3 (going on 20, he is very grown up at times) and my Granddaughter Esther is almost 4 months. Of course they all have their moments, Reagan can be very stubborn and bossy and has no problem telling you what to do. He plays the big brother very well, one minute bossing his sister around and hugging on her and the next (when I am not looking) smacking on her when he wants a toy she has. He has the sweetest heart though, my day is not complete unless I get one of my Reagan hugs and the tickle monster loves to hear him laugh that sweet little belly laugh when he is being chased. Fia is a little charmer, she has the most beautiful eyes and sweetest little voice. But don't ever get into an argument with that one, she always has to have the last word, no matter what.
My sweet little Esther is so much like her mom that many times I am transported back into time holding Meg once again. She looks like her mom and is as stubborn and gets as mad as her also. But when she smiles, her whole face lights up and she raises her one eyebrow just like her daddy and my heart melts.
I absolutely love my time with these three and wouldn't trade it for anything, they teach me lessons that I thought I had already learned but obviously had long forgotten. Never argue with a 2 year old, don't hold the baby over your head, you will definetly be sorry and be mindful that most 3 year olds are very literal and don't call them transformers! I have also remembered why parenthood is really for the youthful, they can be pretty tiring and I am really liking this Nanna thing I have got going. Being a parent is great, but Nanna's can get away with much more and when they act up or get real fussy, I can send them home!
Thanks for taking a little silly break from life with me. Hope you enjoyed it!

It all in the perspective

Ok, this week has been very difficult. Our 16 year old son has so many issues. He has been sexualized at a young age and was taken advantage of by a sexual predator in the high school. He is also bi-polar, ODD, and FASD. Lots of acronyms which means he is pretty messed up. We didn't know to what extent his problems were until after he came to our home. He is one of those broken pieces that fits into our family but he constantly fights against it. He is also one of the biggest challenges that we have faced. It is hardest for me, I am with him 24/7 which drains my energy and patience. This week has been a battle, he has been told repeatedly that he was not to act out sexually in our home because he can not stop once he starts but sadly he has been slipping, and sliding into the abyss and when he thought I wasn't looking went to the bathroom and acted out. With all these problems he becomes angry and defiant and oppositional towards me in particular. Maybe it is because I can sense when he is slipping and I call him on it, maybe it is because somewhere in his mind he feels guilt for breaking a rule or maybe it is just part of the brain damage from the FSAD and the bi-polar that he battles and takes medication for. It is a constant battle for his mind and his spirit. We feel like we have been in a 2 year battle and still feel like we are losing the fight. Especially me, see I am a fighter, I love the quote from Galaxy Quest (One of my favorite movies!) Never give up never surrender. I actually live by that motto even before I had heard of that movie. I don't like to admit defeat, and when it comes to the life and future of a child, one that I have given my heart to and know that God has called his own, I fight that much harder for.
Many people questioned our reasoning for adopting him, knowing just a little of his issues. From their prospective there wasn't much hope for him, he was too old and the behaviors were already ingrained into him. I have to admit to times where we have felt the same frustrations and fears that no matter what we do it won't be enough. Thankfully God's perspective is much different than ours. He sees things so much differently than we do and he has the tenacity to keep trying and trying until we have no choice but to recognize the love he has for each of us. I have had to take off my glasses and try to put on Jesus's glasses and see our son through his eyes. It can be very difficult because we are in the battle field and when bullets and grenades are flying all around you it is hard to see a different perspective and see victory. But when I really do see Jesus and his perception of Jacob than I can see that here is a young man that will one day when he can grasp the enormity of God's love has a future that will change lives. His struggles and difficulties will enable him to help so many young people that are fighting the same or similar battles and are looking for a love that heals all wounds, mends the broken and raises the dead, restoring life. He sees not a broken piece but a wounded soul and he sees the whole beautiful piece of art that is being glued together. There is nothing that God can't restore, nothing that he can't heal if we are willing and open to what he wants to pour out in us.
So yeah it has been a rough week and next week might not be much better and I might still want to give up on occasion but I guess it really is all in the perspective. I can look at him and see failure and resistance or I can see him with the potential that God sees in him and keep fighting the good fight and loving him as only a mother can love a child. If your week or day feels like it was one from hell than I encourage you to put on another pair of glasses and see if it changes your perspective, it may not make it all better but it sure does help hold on and enjoy the ride a little better! Be blessed.

What am I doing here?

Well how do I begin, I guess telling you a little about me would help make my blogs title make a little sense. I am a wife, chauffeur, cook, cleaning lady, babysitter, but my main title that most of these fall under is Mom. I have 8 wonderfully, complex and sometimes challenging children ranging in ages 26 to 11. They are my planets that orbit around my universe. The three oldest of my children Meghan, Kaleigh and Jesse are born of Andrew and my genes and a living testament of the love we share together. My other children are born of our hearts. We did not give birth to them, we didn't have the joy of watching them go from infant to smiling toddler, and some we were not there when they went off for their first day of kindergarten or move into Middle school. They came to our home broken fragments from families that could or would not care for them. That in their own choices choose to put themselves above the needs of their children and sadly allow sometimes unspeakable things to happen to them some even before they were born. We did (still do, although we are a full home and have no room for others right now.) foster care and can honestly say that although we were fully informed of what we were about to experience, really had no idea what we were getting into.
It has been an amazing ride, one that we still are on and although there are lots of ups and downs and sometimes we feel like we are free falling from the top, we wouldn't change anything for the world. Some of our beautiful babies, who would shoot me for calling me that since they are 16, 16, 14, 13 and 11, have issues ranging from FASD to Bi-polar, Oppositional disorder to eating disorders. But these things although, debilitating, do not define them. They struggle every day to overcome things that the rest of us take for granted but they do it with strength and the desire to overcome. We knew what we were taking on, but oh my goodness I fell in love with them the moment I saw their faces and when we were asked if we would be willing to adopt them as the opportunity would arise, there was no doubt in our hearts that they were the missing pieces to our beautiful piece of art we call our family.
I have kind of lost count of the children that have passed through our home but their faces and their stories have burnt a picture forever in my heart and mind. They may have only been here a week or 2 years but they are all my children and will have a place in our hearts. With joy we have seen families put back together and even still the kids run up and hug us and call us mama Shelly and dado (Andrew's name when one of our kids couldn't say his name). With sadness and some frustration we have also sat in court watching families fall apart and children shell shocked because they are the walking wounded now without a home or identity. If I could I think I would take them all in but God has given us what we can handle for this moment and who knows what the future will bring.
I would love to say everyday is wonderful and fulfilling but in reality it is sometimes a struggle to make it through the day with our sense of humor in tact as well as much of our sanity. So this is where this blog is coming in to play. It will be a place to share some of the struggles and share in the joys. I am homeschooling our children as well as taking care of my niece, nephew and four month old granddaughter. We have special classes, speech, therapy, snowboarding, guitar and many other things that makes me more of a road warrior some days than a home body. I am blessed to be a part of a small but growing church where I am active with the youth group as well as other duties. Life seems to be in fast forward, and doesn't seem to allow for much time for conversation or friendships, this is my chance to share my heart, and life and maybe on some off chance touch a life than great! I love my life, I love my children, and hope that you enjoy what you read. For my family that reads this hope you don't mind me sharing you!
So welcome to our mosaic, enjoy the colors of the pieces and lets make beautiful art!