Mama said there'd be days like these

Have you ever lived or visited a place that had volcanoes that were not necessarily active but were simmering just below the surface? The uncertainty of living with or near one is unsettling to say the least because you never know when it is going to blow and who is going to be affected in the process. That’s what it is like living amongst children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD), bi-polar or borderline personality disorder issues.
You always know that the issues are there, bubbling under the surface, but you just don't know when or how they are going to come out most of the time and how it will effect you and your family. Living with four children with these issues can be unsettling. Our second oldest son is a volcano that is under constant pressure and for him it takes incredible will power to contain all the emotions that swirl inside his head. I can't even imagine how he must feel when it builds to a point of eruption but I know that the residual effect on the rest of us can be quite devastating. We just recently went through one of those moments and, though it wasn't as huge as previous eruptions, it did spew its molten lava and leave a few burns.
We try very hard to relieve the pressure before the eruption but often they come faster than we expect--or sometimes when we haven't even see them coming. That is the reality of our life. Kids with organic brain damage sometimes don't have that normal control of their reactions and they lack the ability to self regulate their emotions and feelings. They don't always have that release valve that helps relieve excessive pressure so, BOOM! It comes out in form of various bad behaviors.
Our youngest son melts down when there is too much stimulation or stress. Sometimes his brain just disengages and he becomes forgetful and blank. Other times, like his sister Jamie, he becomes hyper and overwhelmed by life. Our other daughter acts out with food hording and binging and stealing. Having all of these very different reactions can work against each other and often do. However, We are finding our rhythm and learning to work together.
It is during these times that I find what I’m really made of. Sometimes it’s not always good. But God has a way to use these times to perfect the imperfect and strengthen the tired. I know that without his strength and love to fall back on, I could not do this. I really am not an expert at any of this. It is through the trials and turmoil, the frustration and fury that God has created in me something that just can't give up no matter how much the flesh in me wants to throw in the towel.
Today I really wanted to quit, it felt incredibly overwhelming and impossible. I cried out to my husband and to God that I just couldn't do it anymore--take this from me. It was then that I was reminded of Jesus in the garden, overwhelmed by what was to come. He was feeling the burden of the world on his shoulders. He cried out to God and said, “Take my cup from me.” But instead of walking away, he said, “Not my will but thy will be done.” He went on to become the living sacrifice for all our sins, our savior, and King.
Now I am about as far from Jesus as one could be. Just as Paul said, “I am the greatest sinner.” I realized that Jesus was facing something far greater than I could ever imagine.
He didn't quit he just asked God to give him the grace and strength to go forward. Needless to say I was very humbled and quickly asked God to forgive my weakness and give me the strength to go forward.
He did and I did! I know that there are going to be more eruptions; its to be expected when you live around active volcanoes. But thankfully, I have a solid rock to fall back on when things get tough and life feels overwhelming. I love my little volcanoes more than I could ever imagine. I have the utmost faith that one day they will be towering, bold mountains of solid rock that will go forward and change the world. So I can live with a few burns and I am sure glad I have an example in Christ to keep me moving forward.